Songs for South Africa

The tale begins with a lady named Nicky
And I’m afraid it’s quite long and the rhyming quite tricky
The e-mails were many, the plane tickets a farce
But all worries forgotten in what came to pass.
Twenty-six hours, with Emirates we flew
Six girls, a Christopher and a science-geek Jew.

First there was Lindi who has imaginary friends
With a kamikaze Combi she speeds round the bends
Helen was there, her cooking a treat
But still there was one lady we were waiting to meet:
Groomed and smiling, Petronel was our Guru
Whether giving a lecture of breast-feeding Kudu.

Out on the game drives the photos were many
The said there were rhinos…we didn’t see any!
Prof’s stunning lectures told us which cocktail to choose
Herb liked etorphine, but not a-2s.
We took TPRs as we captured live game
Though despite our best efforts we blew every vein.

Helen made us all fat with babotie and ‘Bap’
But Herb got us airborne and we didn’t “FuckUp”
High above the giraffes with dart-guns ablazing
Herb was our hero, the chopper amazing.
With our new found friends ‘ACIS’ we went out by moonlight
We had no idea we were in for a fright
With a broken down cruiser and lions nearby
We sat still in the Bush just waiting to die
Soon it became clear: ‘twas a prank by Marinus
It was plain compensation for a mighty small penis!
Apologies were made, the group ceased to fret
And all pulled together to catch buck in a net.
A visit to the lions came round a bit hasty
And sadly for Liz, her bum was too tasty!

Now no-one back home could say we were wimps
But it was rather relieving to play with the chimps
Though we’re still scared of leopards, Pro-Nutro, and ticks
And we’ll never be willing to poke crocs with sticks…
But thanks to Tambootie we can handle a gun
And catch all the beasts under African sun
So now we must leave you warm by the Braai
Give you our thanks and bid you goodbye. 

The Eclectic Eight

Before we depart on the evil white bus
We must tell you a rhyme with some details on us:

Alex loves flesh and marmite on toast
When she sees some game, she thinks of spit-roast
Cathy was queen of quizzes and birds
And unlike some others, more selective with words
Chris was a fighter with a really long…lens
He offered us threesomes, but we were just friends.
Karmen has a journal that’s full of our tales,
She’s nice to animals but nicest to males.
Liz was tough when faced with a mauling
But “P.S. I love you” soon had her bawling!
Nina eats rusks and wears a Swiss hat
She farts when she’s shooting, but enough said of that
Rosanna is noisy: she talks such a lot
But we don’t want to cross her, she’s such a good shot
Simon is fearless when confronted with thorns
He looks at the vulva but not at the horns

Now we have come to the end of our song
We hope we return to Mookgophong.